Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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