Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
