I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize