I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
