the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
