he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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