From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
