my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
