Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
