$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
