I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
