someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
