so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
