I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
