My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
