No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
