And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
