That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.