I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.