ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM