evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
