Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
