My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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