Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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