Define "chronic" masturbator.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
