And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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