Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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