So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
