Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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