They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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