I wish I only lived at night.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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