I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
time to smoke my breakfast
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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