so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
