why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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