oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
