My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
