Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
