If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
