smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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