He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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