YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
