I want to stick my p in your. b.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Randomize
