the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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