I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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