I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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