also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
