omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
