Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
