in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
