Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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