I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
