wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
