My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
