I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
