no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
