The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
