How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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