I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
