In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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