i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
