nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
