your parents love me but you hate me
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
