The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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