I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
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I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize